How People-Pleasing Is Costing You More Than You Think

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For a lot of us, people-pleasing sneaks into our finances in quiet ways. Picking up the bill to avoid awkwardness. Buying the gift even when you can’t really afford it. Saying “it’s fine” while mentally panicking about your bank balance. It doesn’t feel dramatic in the moment but over time, it adds up.

Check out this honest story from a Financielle community member who’s looking to become debt free by April 2027.

How would you describe your current money situation ?

After 18 years in teaching, I’ve finally reached the top of my teaching pay scale (UPS3), yet I feel trapped in a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ financial cycle. Despite consistent pay rises, I struggle with £10k in persistent debt that never seems to disappear.

My tendency to people-please means I often cave to family requests for non-essentials, prioritising their happiness over my financial health. For years, I sacrificed everything—driving a 14-year-old car and forgoing fun money, until a severe burnout and hospitalisation forced me to prioritise my well-being. I’ve now reduced my working week to four days.

While I’ve worked incredibly hard to succeed professionally, the stress of this lingering debt outweighs my career achievements. I’m tired of the repetitive spending habits and am ready to break the cycle for the sake of my mental and financial peace.

How did you find yourself here?

My journey with debt began in 2004 with a simple £100 store card and a graduate overdraft I could never quite shake. For years, I cycled through credit cards and high-interest fees, juggling balances in secret from my partner while balancing the rising costs of childcare, a teaching career, and a recession. By 2012, a £5,000 loan intended to clear the slate for my wedding and current overdraft at the time, only led me back to square one when I failed to close the original overdraft which the loan covered.

The breaking point came in 2013. Following the birth of my second child and a loss of income, the “mess” finally caught up with me. Seeking help from StepChange was my true beginning; it gave me a decade of living within my means while slowly chipping away at my balances.

However, after returning to full-time work, a 2023 attempt to rebuild my credit score with a new credit card spiraled back into old habits. By 2025, hit by burnout and the pressures of perimenopause, I realised something had to change. After 21 years of contributing to our home, my name is still not on the deeds. My mission now is to be debt-free by April 2027, finally securing my place on the mortgage.

What was your relationship with money like growing up and has this had an impact on where you find yourself now?

I reflect a lot on how my parents handled money when I was growing up. I recall being very spoilt on birthdays and Christmas, yet for the rest of the year, it felt like my parents were living paycheck to paycheck. Still, we always had a family holiday abroad during my teenage years. We would caravan around Europe, and my parents gave us the best experience they could. However, I realised later that they would put everything on credit cards and spend the rest of the year paying it off until the next trip.

I even remember my dad taking me to Argos when I was a late teen and helping me take out a store card to buy bedroom furniture which is quite crazy to think about now! I was never encouraged to save, and I never had any money put aside for me.

I started working at 15, but I usually spent everything I earned at the very shops where I worked. Sadly, I see these habits mirrored in my own children. I feel responsible for not having better habits to pass on to them, as I see that same craving to spend money the moment they have it. I will give them credit where it’s due though. If they have a big goal, like an expensive item for a hobby of theirs, they will pool their birthday and Christmas money together to make it happen.

At 43, I’ve begun to wonder if I have ADHD, especially as my children are currently being assessed. Looking back at my childhood and my 20s, I can see how my spending habits might be linked to a neurodiverse brain. Money has always felt ‘messy’ and like it just comes and goes!

What have been your biggest triggers for accumulating debt?

For me, it’s the feeling that I need to provide for others. My debt initially came from my love for clothes shopping during my uni days. However, once I became a mother and a wife, my spending shifted toward wanting to provide for my family’s needs and wants—regardless of whether I actually had the money. This mindset has and still weighs heavily on my finances and my well-being. Ultimately, people-pleasing is my biggest trigger.

What have you learnt or put in place to help improve your money habits? Was there a lightbulb moment for you?

I started using the Financielle app in April 2025, and it really opened my eyes to the importance of budgeting and tracking my net-worth. Even though I started in the negative, it was encouraging to see that number improve as I cleared my debt.

However, nearly a year later, I’m still struggling with my debt total. It has come to light that I still spend beyond my means. Saying ‘no’ to loved ones is still a problem for me, as I like to be seen as a generous gift-giver. Ending up in the hospital in December 2025 highlighted the burnout my body was experiencing due to my people pleasing ways. That was the moment I told myself: I have to do more to break this debt cycle forever!

What advice would you give to someone navigating a debt free journey?

Start! Start straight away! Start from where you are and with what you’ve got. I’ve waited way too many times for payday, the next Monday, or the next month. I’ve added way too many things to the credit card, thinking I’d start fresh with the next bill.

Don’t do it. It’s just not worth it. Do it for yourself and no one else—you deserve this freedom! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to people about your debt and communicate so you don’t feel alone. Find someone who is ready to be a cheerleader for you.

Being in debt is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a reason you are where you are, but now you need to take control and work through whatever blocks are holding you back.

What are your plans once you’re debt free?

Save! I want to take my family on an annual holiday abroad without ever falling into the debt trap again. I’m going to celebrate being debt-free! Beyond that, I really want to save for my children’s future. I wish someone had been able to save for my university years. I have a small window to do that for my youngest and I hope to help my eldest with a deposit for their first house. It’s ambitious but even a small amount will help them out and hopefully inspire them to do the same for their own children one day.